How to Be There for Loved Ones

Have you ever tried to be there for others when you were struggling to be there for yourself? This post is for you.

I vividly remember the moment when Utah decided to close the state borders due to its first Covid outbreak. Eric and I were living full time in our van, and since resources were limited, we immediately left Moab and found a spot to isolate in the middle of nowhere, Colorado for the next 3-4 months.

I don’t think anyone knew how much the pandemic was going to impact the rest of our lives; I certainly did not.

I thought that since I had done so much of the work and because i was a therapist, I was completely equipped with the right skills to overcome any obstacle AND STILL have space to support those around me.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

As the pandemic weighed heavier and heavier on my heart, I became more resistant to its effect. Like so many of us, I watched people experience death, loss, divorce, and breakups without warning. I discovered the dark sides of people I thought I could trust and watched them mistreat others, justifying their poor decisions on the pain they were experiencing inside.

It was all too much to watch, let alone bear.

Instead of working though what Covid brought out into the light, I focused on “supporting” others that were struggling. I thought that “If anyone could pour from an empty cup-it was me.”

A year later, after experiencing relief from my internal shit (thank you, therapy and anti-depressants combo) I began to see a more clear picture of what was going on inside. On the outside, I was coping with the pandemic pretty well: I was there for a someone suffering through a divorce, I was working full time and running my own buisness. I was in love with a man who loved me back…

But on the inside…

I felt messy beyond repair.

I can be hypersensitive and emotional.

Anger felt too intense to experience.

And more than anything, my body was constantly telling my mind to reject any feeling of abandonment with some form of distraction.

I don't think that there's anything wrong with showing up messy, scared, emotional… but if we aren’t able to recognize our own stuff, we end up drinking from the same fountain; which happens to be running out of water.

It’s true that healing happens when we connect to one another.

But in order for us to connect, its important to consider how and when you want to show up so that you don’t accidentally project your struggles to those around you.

Here are three things I consider before supporting a loved one:

Know your personal capacity: If you’re an extrovert that is struggling, you may need a lot of human interaction during your healing journey. Be mindful of your less extroverted friends, and communicate your needs and respect the other person's boundaries.

If you tend to be sensitive already, consider attempting to not take things as personally, and give yourself extra space to process those things. Struggling with our mental health is nothing to be ashamed of, and the more we can accept the struggle, the more ownership of our actions we can take.

Know your triggers: Emotional triggers, also called mental health triggers or psychological triggers, are memories, objects, people, and anything that spark intense negative emotions. This change in emotions can be abrupt, and in most cases, it will feel more severe than what the trigger would logically call for. Knowing these triggers and where you experience them can help you set yourself up for success.

Know what restores your soul, outside of a person: Close your eyes and think of a time that you were experiencing joy without anyone else around. If it’s going outside on a walk, do that when you're feeling stressed. If it’s dancing, put your earbuds in, blast your favorite song, and dance in the living room. If it's time spent with your pup, plan a little outdoor adventure for her. The most inspiring part of the healing journey is knowing that you have everything you need inside of yourself to restore your soul—it just takes some motivation and practice.

No matter the intention behind being available for the ones we care about, we aren’t helping if we can’t trust to handle our own emotions. Encouraging self reliancene is one of the greatest gifts you can give to others.

When I finally started accepting the messiness within myself, I was also able to start making space for the people I care about.

And it finally allowed me to show up messy AND authentically.

And thank god I did.